One of my favorite things to do when I’m home is to read through my old journals. I kept them all throughout high school and they are so wonderfully embarrassing, yet insightful. It’s a vehicle for stepping back into what feels like a lifetime ago. But no matter how ridiculous this naïve girl coming into her own sounds, I’m always amazed by her vulnerability. My heart was so open then, so trusting, and I’d follow the tidal pull of emotion to wherever I needed to go.
We harden as we get older, as experience teaches us to be cautious. It’s a natural thing, with wisdom becoming our guard against what we endure. I know I’m guilty of suppressing feelings over the years, closing off, and retreating inward behind what I thought was a cocoon of strength in an effort to muffle pain.
Dad knew it. Even before he was sick, I think he saw how the walls I built were closing in. “You’re hard, Toots,” he’d often say. Sometimes, I hate how much he was always right.
It got worse after losing him. I just wasn’t capable of letting anyone in. I was too broken and life was too complicated to pull my guard. The love I had to give was in short supply – in reserve only for mom, my brother and just enough to buoy myself. It was an exhausting grasp at broken seams, wondering if I would unravel in full. Truly, for months it took whatever energy I had to just carry forward.
As time has come in, breathing in space for my heart to grow, that shadow has pulled away. And I’ve spent so many beautiful moments with friends and family that have helped drag that joyous girl out from hiding. I’ve laughed so much my stomach ached, and felt my cheeks go numb from smiling too much. It’s a powerful reminder that though life is different, there is much to still look forward to.
I haven’t typically been one to make resolutions at the top of the year. When change calls, I incite it. But as the calendar turns over, it does offer a chance for reflection on what we’d like our life to look like. And with that in mind, I’ve resolved to make this the year of the heart. To be kinder – lighter, more forthcoming, more accepting, more open and more loving.
Even when we recoil in an effort to avoid the pain, it still comes. Life will upset the ground at times and knock us down, and all of the walls we put up in defense won’t do a damn thing.
Yeah – it helps to be hard sometimes, it’s survival, but I figure it’s much better to be free from what holds us back.
A REKD GIRL 